Alter Ego

   I am aggressive. I need to burn this floor down. Bottle. Sip. Muzzle. Bottle. Sip. Guzzle. Bottle. Hey! The drinks are flowing. There is no air to breathe. The background is frizzy and I can see only colours. I become anime faced. Aggressive. Sobriquet. Aggressive. Adrenaline rush. I move. There is no familiarity. World is zooming past like an art of splashing paint. I am high. There is weed around. I smoke. I exhale. I smoke. I become a slayer. No limits here. I sprinkle holy water on the vampire. I am unstoppable. These last for seconds and then continues with no intervals. I develop this alter ego which is narcissist to the core and has a care a damn attitude. I am Caesar. I am shit. Bottle. Sip. Muzzle.
  I meet my reflection. It stares me. I start dripping. His hair is wild and he looks feisty. I need some time off. I pound. I follow the path to infinity and self consciousness and I need no familiarity around.There is some whispering occurring and it sounds as if there is a tinkle of bells of the faintest volume. I am too busy to hear it and continue my exhilaration. The drinks have sloshed me down and I have become selfish. I see some living beings gesturing at me, but I ignore. I swing. Bottle. Sip. Guzzle. I look at myself. I am drenched with loneliness. I close my eyes.

   Hate, Anger, Love, Confusion, Pain and Kindness emanate out of my body. They initiate with immense intensity that it makes my body warm. I mutter a silent prayer. I sip again. This time the world helps me drip oodles of feelings from me. The universe seems a bit unwelcome but I dance with no regrets. Embarrassment walks past me like an old friend. I gesture at him. He seems unnerved. It gives me confidence. I continue. There is dim lights around. They dance faint crimson, blood and then again crimson and blood. They laugh at me. I ask for another round. The waiter wears a monster's busby which is no less like a villain's armour. I signal at him and he understands. He brings me the magic of anti-dote in a jiffy. I drink this shot sans salt. Bitches around. Ain't 100 motherfuckers tell me anything. I relieve emotions from myself. A bitch walks by. Her cleavage are tempting and perfect. I call for freedom. I increase my tempo and the floor hi five's me. He does not pity me. I sneer. Fuck! I am who I am. Lets Go! I am hungry and I look around. Pretty girls now for I need some fast snickers - snackers. I quieten my pangs. I console to myself, "I need my animal instincts man!". I move in a sickening fashion. The waitress smiles at me and I take it in an encouraging stride. I think. The waitress, the woman with delicious bosom and finally my shots flicker as my true friends. Bottle. Sip. Muzzle. I am Caesar. I am shit. The music is deafening and House. The singles thwart my consciousness with zing and zaniness. I become dandy. Bottle. Sip. Guzzle. I move in an element with the beats. They are roaring with an abnormal paradox. There is enough room for being in a trance and moving ugly hair. I smoke. I exhale. The environment changes to colours of torture, infidelity and hopelessness. I smile.
  I try to amalgamate my thoughts. But I am in a different mood together. There is no time for pain. It seems like an immorality. There are plastic men with faces of disjointedness and painful memories calling me to join them, they seem exited; but I roll out my animal face at them. They get intimidated and call me for another night. They are well aware for the fact that they are my only company. They are none other than sides of me. I shake my head in disgust. There is agony, delusion and convulsion. I muster courage for a rematch but they are far too cunning. Pain is lurking in an attic above banging soft thuds as if to remind me that I am in an fake reality of my own misery. I try to forget but my pace slows. I do not know why. My legs sneer at me and whisper, "You dug your own grave brother". I want to embrace pain, but there are those shots calling me. The anime face returns. I regain my split - personality. I become my alter ego. It is fierce and bold. He spills no sign of loneliness, pain and recognition. I become a two man army. He feels at home. But an inner voice whispers doubts that produces obscurity of running debt with him and I think, perhaps this is temporary. I ignore it in a timely fashion but I handle with lack of lustre. I surrender to selfishness and boredom.They entangle me slowly with open arms and I dwell into the darkness which is kind to me. I hallucinate my own crucifixion.

Siddhesh

twitter.com/siddheshgarg

A Normal Oddity!

I walk, I come across hard work, peace, confusion. Where do I fit in? Thinks..guesses. Estimation is so not true! Bwaha!

Traveler, gypsy. Perhaps I am. Getting sloshed and meditating? Hmmmm. A combination odd enough? High on a highway. Sounds me. I call up an acquaintance and bug him. Have a drink, click. Sobers down. Impulse ticking.

Clock ticks. I prod.

I am in the class. La professour wearing a fancy pink tutu waving a magic wand. She is hot. Class mates sitting beside me in tailored suits and colorful cravats. Girls shimmering in bikinis. I guess.

Clock ticks. I prod.

Can’t see the professor. I lean in an effort. She teaches logistics, misogynistics, and multi awardee musicians.

A jukebox is playing “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon & Garfunkel. I transport into 1900’s. Woody Allen film-noire. Thinks.

Clock ticks. I prod.

I see roads circling my class. They lead me to future. They go high up. Can’t see the end. I feel a bulge in my pocket. Its appears heavy. I fish out. I glance.

It’s my past.

I scream.

 Siddhesh

Twitter.com/siddheshgarg

Just Another Day

      So there passes just another adventitious day without any surprises and there wasn't any adventure in store for me. Though I did not expect it in the slightest possibility but there is always a hinge in my back which whispers there can be lots of goodies awaiting. We often receive goosebumps in the most unnatural of the circumstances that we start contemplating that such a affirmative situation if ever aroused, could it procure such element of astonishment? The solution is not always how one supposes to be but there in the infinite memories sprinting in the head at the speed of a sky rocket engine, hope seems to be affectionate often. It is this hope which keeps one alive. Prodding through various stages in life, one stumbles on the roller coaster ride so frequent that he/she gets baffles as to how vast the whole dimension of dreams are. We keep sinking into the fascinating fake world and it seems very tempting to have a experience and feel of it. When one wakes up from his daily night dreams the very first thought after being awake is to wish to live that dream. It is artificial but yet it oozes reality that one tries to surpass. Are we conceited enough or is it just a spark which keeps one on the active run to well being. The dubious doubts one produces are many and the certainties one tries to amalgamate is hardly scanty. Where is the road to correct righteousness and leading a healthy selfish life style? Maybe, there is no such thing as perfectionism after all! Where there is a will there is a way, encounters one at day-to-day life whenever faced with complexity but these are just assurances one tries to console his own heart. It is perhaps in a way misleading for the mind for he knows the soul is being tricked into something which has only temporary relief. Attaining the right medium of living is not only difficult but speaking consolingly a road to following a no man's land. When the mode to freedom is so obvious, why is then we get tempted to perform actions which knowingly produce immense doom and decree of slow annihilation.
      Inspirations is such a strange palpitation that it brings a vibe of adrenaline rush in oneself. The world springs alive as if a moth just blossomed out of its protective shell. It brings along, hallucinations of failure as the road seems so intimidating and unnatural. It makes one realize the drawbacks and the helpless qualities which one possess, though we choose to be ignorant out of sheer pride and superiority to contrasts. Admit it, it is a factual that you would not believe what you do not want to. If ever drained with something anew, either you choose to turn off with a blind's eye or rather choose to emulate your personality that shifts the ball on your court. The flow when gets disturbed or seems awry screams to run away. Why is that when faced a change, people try to hide in the closet with blankets and mufflers as an added extra cover? The whole prospect of declining to accept the truth is quite absurd. The more we try to sway away, the chicken always comes back to roost. The marbles seems finite and later infinite dropping to the ground with lots of colour to blind the eye. They increase in magnitude and so does their velocity. Till a point comes that the whole world seems to be a white canvas of nothingness and there seems only you surrounded by these innocent yet aggressive marbles. Initially it cries for confusion, dilemma and frustration. But if you try to relax your mind these marbles are nothing but negativity which is exhaling out of your system. The body accepts the fact that the air is sudden cool and warm breeze makes you close your pupils only to live the moment. The raining of marbles all this while continues with an air of luminous tranquility and the world slowly turn back to life. The background starts appearing completely quite grey. I try to avoid whatever conflicts I can avoid whenever getting the faintest idea. I need no support for I have survived myself all alone. I do not want to live by rules or dictations which can make me weak on my knees and unable to be myself. I do not expect anything from anyone, for that is not in my nature; all I hope is I become a good soul with minimum negativism emitted to my acquaintances and the likes. I do feel left out often and my only dilemma is to why do people do not process the positivism one tries to inculcate in others. I am not egoistic but I do not come with any measurements or baggage. I have survived over the years with enough trials that I no longer get affected by any new balmy. I do not want to be filled in any vacuum, I just want to break free. I do not come associated with any reservations for any person for I hold no disregard for anyone. The feeling of being original is sometimes so abstract that I feel so intrigued by the very thought of it. One can only become original when he or she is full aware of the already existing acts taken place. In a way it is whirling the fakeness as one tries to be anti-opposite to being original. There is no such word called being real. Life incandescently blows the dimension of reality by making it surreal. I have experienced it and I feel there is no finite end to this aspect. I wish to sprint away sometimes for I do not know how many souls are there who hold the understanding of being a one man army and beholding the past not as a grudge but as a part of his or her everyday life. There is no allusiveness behind it but there is a sense of derailment lagging behind it. There prevails this hunger in one to be different and ghastly weird, but rest assured it is no sign for being hiding into an oblivion.
     There is always a spark of honour one has to abide to. Sometimes I do get caught up in the heat of the moment and momentarily tend to forget it. It is this music of thought that persists even when the night has become old enough to forget. I wish to be infinite, a vibe of strong incessant hope that can be provided as a lifeline to those who are in despair. I have lived enough to cease the righteousness path to success and being a worthy gentleman in life. I feel immense pride in judging the scintillating luminosity. The lustre is always temporary however with a peace of self awareness the brightness can be re-polished time and again. There is no word as impossible as the it hides the golden words of I and am. It does not drip selfishness or vice but in fact the belief in trusting oneself. For one thing that is of utmost importance is certitude!

The Borne Boredom

    Its been quite a while since I have started blogging and I am only too happy to be writing again. I guess I was facing a writer's block but I think I am over it now. I have been on the mend over the past couple of days, thinking and sulking all the way. I was pushed into an oblivion, maybe the sad leprechaun had cast a spell on me. Anyways I have been thinking a lot lately of life and exactly what purpose I have on this planet Earth. Maybe I was unsuccessful in procuring some relevant answers but the road to search for my identity as been fairly a roller coaster ride. I like reminders that constantly keep me grounded, as often I am on the verge of having an attitude too sophisticated and overly narcissist. I just cannot help it but I am not complaining either. I was so lonely keeping always to myself. Initially as far as I can remember I craved for attention and I was not that bad in getting one. But as years passed, it became very difficult and I started being gloomy. It wasn't a pleasant sight but I was learning. Childhood was very torturous to me and I do not miss the most part of it. I had come across a variety of people from all walks of life and I always got fascinated by them. Their mannerisms and intellectual minds made me remind that I have to be like them. I tried to take a leaf out from them and would try to emulate them. Maybe being a mirror for I would imitate them and funnily enough I wasn't that bad in it.
    My initial attitude was not that appropriate and I personally I expected people to understand me. But that wasn't forthcoming and somewhere down the line I knew that I was at the dark side of the tunnel. I did try to change but since my ego was at sky high rise at that time it was not helping. There were days where I felt horribly alone and I did not like one bit of it. Over the years one thing has taught me that I should trust myself though I admit it does not come naturally to me. Maybe it is something that is a drawback in me but I feel if I start trusting myself I become over-confident on myself and then it produces a lot of negative results on me. I have grown over that aspect and now at this point of time I just feel fortunate that I have learnt so many things at this age. I was in the process where I wanted to be mature but now I don't feel like that anymore. I have tried all the wacky stuff in life and I have seen it all. It has been a journey which was very illuminating and astounding at times. I faced a lot of flak and now it does not deter me for anything else. At times yes, I do feel that perhaps I could have been more friendly but then I feel if people do not like me the way I am then what is the whole point in trying to be more social. I am immune to being dissed but there are things that pierces me and the stab is like a knife slicing through the warm butter. The pain seems hard and very meticulous. Is this what I am made of. I keep getting labelled. But I never liked definitions and I am not used to it. I feel that life is short and you should make the most of it. It has been so many years that I keep informing myself this, but I fail to understand this concept.
    I am a different material altogether. I sprint nowadays in a snail's pace and I do not mind in doing this. If people are not able to identify me then I consider myself lucky, It is always good to be mysterious. I like being that way as people become inquisitive in trying to find out about you. I like to be a pandora's box which is completely unpredictable. The more mysterious one gets, the more people have dubious doubts about you. Is this healthy? Yes. There is nothing wrong in it. Maybe it is a part of being the attention seeker. But I can't help it. I really try to tone down myself but there is this part of me that awakens and whispers that perhaps it is time to out-shine others. The fire burns slowly and sometimes it becomes high in magnitude. It speaks volumes of my character, I guess. I do try to be kind to people and I really am. But then I am a boring person. This is not what I think but that is what people determine me. I am a gypsy and I like to meet with people. I like being friendly but there is this feisty nature in me that always continues. Should I regret and fret about this? Reminds of the classic, "Non, Je ne regrette rein" by the ethereal Edith Piaf.

A Girl called Evangeline Summers - Chapter 01

    Once upon a time, there was a girl called Evangeline Summers. She was smart, beautiful and most importantly had a very kind heart. It was not it her nature to see people in despair. She always strove to make her small world a better place.

    She lived in a small tinsel town of the French Polynesia islands. She always loved her town because it was where she could buy the world's best tomatoes and avocados. She felt proud of being a Polynesian! She looked very much like a islander. She was fair,had dark curly brunette hair and there was nothing ordinary of her. The fellow girls in the tinsel-town were very envious of her looks. Her fair skin created a sharp contrast to her immense dark black eyes. She was nowhere near ugly. Her attitude had made her the most loved one among the Polynesians.

    Her family comprised of papa and he meant the world to her. She never had many friends and she never felt like having them. In fact she never felt the need to be with friends because she had matured at a very young age. Her mama died when she was an infant leaving her to be responsible of her father. Her father was at first very sweet but as years passed by without his beloved he grew restless! He had become a very drunkard and used to smoke 3-4 pipes a day. She never liked this but her father was all she got. There was Mrs.lily who had been lately appointed to theirs family by the medical council on account of her papa's condition.She was kind and helped Evangeline in her day-to-day chores and would happily tend to the daily errands.

  Once she was off to the local bazaar to but her favourite tomatoes when on her way back she stumbled upon a cute chihuahua.The cute pug was lying at a corner and was whimpering quietly.Seeing his plight she felt saddened and was immediately reminded of her condition.She felt immediately fell in love with the cute dog and decided to give him her shelter.She bought on her way,some cabbage and lettuce leaves and from her saved shillings and went to carry her.She decided to call her Evee as it represented her.

  She was very nervous to carry her pet back home as she feared her father's refusal!She decided to not let him go orphan and was determined to same.Such was her nervousness,she almost dropped her small bag of tomatoes she was carrying!On the way she decided enough ways to counter papa's refusal and kept jerking to reality every time she pictured her papa's NO.She was so shocked picturing her papa's disapproval that she almost cried two buckets.But she was adamant and consoled herself that this was the time to stand for what she felt was right!

    The way back home was two miles away and it added to her misery!She wanted to make herself believe small family which included her papa,mrs.lily and the new found Evee!

  Alas!maybe if this didn't happened?What would happen to Evee?She went on pondering with agony on her every step towards her home when finally she saw the pale grey roof of her house from far away!

Man Today

    We consider ourselves as a superior animal. It’s true in a way. We breed like gnomes and live like a bunch of mules. However we take pride in our species and have no qualms against it. True in a way.
Consider the today’s man. He is bold, rampant, fierce and competent. That’s the qualities needed today. But not to forget the narcissist, vane and impurity filled in him. He soothes in other’s downfall. It is not considered wrong in today’s ten commandants.  He is full of surprises and never takes a amiss in the act of disbelief!
   Over all this is considered satisfactory and functional. But when we have a closer introspect, we realize the man’s burden. He carries the depression, and the load of his peers and family. Not to mention today’s life is very competitive. So where does he sense an abstract of contentment? Well the answer is simple. 
    Anything which is lopsided and not strong to uphold. When the other fails, man considers him as a likely ally, man is so veracious today that he craves for love and success at the same time. Now that is a mere impossibility! Two such words cannot co-exist. 
    He wants peace and tranquility but with concessions. He feels to be wanted. Practically every one wants. Even the pet seeks attention with no strings attached. Then when we define a common man today why is it so difficult. 
    Well the answer lies in the fact that life of a man is so much in doldrums that it is very difficult to predict the predicament and his path of current position he may hold. The effervescent nature is somehow taken a new meaning to be unpredictable. He is shy, naughty, selfish and grey. 
    The new man is the new in thing today. They want to be different and not be labeled. He wants the riches but without any work. Hard work for him has become passé! 
     Then what should he do. Simple! Nothing. Man being the superior type he is, so wait for time. Time has been such a subsidiary that it heals everything without any side-effects. Like a medicine it tries to soothe your pain. Today man is very busy and intriguing. He doesn’t have ample time for himself. He strives constantly of what his position in the plastic world holds. He is mean!
      But it is not unfair. He considers himself so much entangled and blocked that he strives for ways to unwind. Now isn’t that an act of desperation! Why do we justify him? It is simply so unnecessary. He has enough flummoxing problems to be with that terming him in a sadistic way is just unwanted. Rather than concentrating on the illegality of him we simply need to glorify him.  he is the crème de la crème, important, today and every bit me!

An Eventful Accident

 Screeeeech! Came his caravan to a full halt! Carl was once again in an accident! Now Carl was a man of wisdom, intelligence, loved Jesus and had a kind heart. He was six foot tall, handsome features and had a tan skin which blended perfectly with his hazel blue eyes. Of lately being into his early fifties he had decided to initiate world tour, as his pension plans were stacked neatly over the years. He worked as a mason in his early years till he retired over the past year. He had successfully toured China and now was on his way to South India through his lucky caravan.

      It was half past midnight and tucked with him was only Mr. Skitters, his faithful dog throughout. He was munching on some Indian sweets while driving and had absolutely no idea how he got himself into an accident. He pondered for a second and then gave in thinking it would be unwise to proceed. He halted and got off the caravan to have a look. There was a bike in front of him which had been rammed. The driver was a burly man with an incredible aura! He seemed very fierce with his big mustache and this made poor Carl to pray Jesus almost 15 times over. Carl went to him and humbly apologized for his act. The accident it seemed wasn't Carl's fault as the biker was riding on the wrong side of the street. Carl even helped him lift the bike, but when the biker saw that he was an American, he got the faintest devil smile on his face. He suddenly got angry and started accusing Carl. He went on saying that it was all Carl's fault and he should pay him a rumination.

      Thinking this was a foreign land and the consequences would prove costly, Carl shelled out a stack of four 20 dollars from his pocket and gave it to him. Alas! Was this is a bribe? Thought Carl. Maybe this is what Indians do. It was almost half an hour in the scene and people had gathered. Did he do something wrong, Carl muttered. He observed all the people were looking at him in very indecent manner. Carl checked his zip and hair and they were both in place, then why were they staring?

        As the biker saw the money, his face lit up and he suddenly stopped creating a ruckus. What a poor guy, mumbled Carl. As Carl gave him the money, the biker said some more swear words and prepared to leave. "Wait hold on", said an onlooker. He seemed brown, small and he didn't look if he could take the biker down on a boxing fight. He approached the biker first and winked at Carl. It seemed to Carl that the onlooker was up to something. He casually said to the biker that his bike was on the wrong way on the street and this made him guilty! Carl felt overjoyed and wan't expecting anyone to help him out from the mute spectators! The onlooker further prodded that asking for such a ransom from a poor foreigner was simply not done! He bellowed at him, but the biker was adamant that he had done nothing wrong. Then, "Smack!", came a slap from him to the biker! The biker fell to the ground. Carl wanted to intervene,but he decided that the biker would crush him in a whiff! Carl expected the biker to hit back, but to his amazement he started crying and immediately apologized to the onlooker. The onlooker refused his apology till he apologized Carl.

        This wasn't something Carl expected! Carl was clearly bewildered. Carl accepted the apology but this was just not enough to the kind onlooker. He demanded the money back to Carl. At first the biker was reluctant but when he saw the glaring eyes of the onlooker he accepted defeat and gave the Carl all his money back. This experience was completely unexpected.

        The onlooker then apologized to Carl for the mishap, even though it wasn't even remotely his fault and asked Carl to carry on his journey. He also asked Carl if he would like to slap the biker too! What a moment! But Carl then coming to senses, politely refused and decided to proceed. The crowd dispersed and so the biker and the kind onlooker.

          It was half past 6 in to morning by now and all Carl could think was the kind onlooker who in spite being  alien to him, had helped him. Maybe he was wrong, good people exists everywhere in the world! Carl realized that an angel of Jesus had come to help him through the onlooker's form.

Black and Grey

The eternal Krishna had many consorts. He was the kind benefactor who had many wives. His marriage with each of his wife is considered equally pure and divine. Of all the 16,100 of his wives, Rukmini is considered the most devoted. Such is the devotion of her, that Krishna extends his unparalleled love partially to her. The purity, devotion and dedication to Krishna from her speak volumes. Of being quiet and kind, she aroused a sense of jealousy to Satyabhama.

Satyabhama, the effervescent considered a sense of pride for the love of Krishna on her. Such was her belief that Krishna loves him the most. Well poor satyabhama never knew this fact until the ill fated Narada muni arrived.

Satyabhama invoked the qualities of a pure human being; the abstract feeling of selfishness came naturally. She wanted a stand apart from the other wives and consorts of Krishna. While Rukmini symbolized the avatar of Lakshmi. She was a portrayal of love and devotion; she never made a point to realize Satyabhama the truth.

When Narada Muni presented him to the court, there was a happening. With his hint of choice of words he carefully etched Satyabhama from the other wives. He questioned her measure of devotion to Krishna. 

Satyabhama, the innocent felt her alter-ego being hurt. She felt ordinary. She didn’t want this behavior being treated. She hit back at the Muni by saying Krishna’s love towards her is unparalleled. The chatur (clever) Narada spilled the beans to her by saying it is Rukmini that Krishna loves the most. 

Satyabhama felt like a bullet being pierced in a hole. Her pride was at stake, and she being created a mockery in front of everyone, in front of his beloved Krishna. A sense of panic aroused in her angry heart.

Narada seeing this challenged her to a vrata (ritual) wherein she was supposed to sell her beloved to him and reclaim Krishna back with all her wealth, the size of his weight.

In spite of begging’s and the pleadings of the consorts, she accepted. Accordingly, she sold his beloved to the Narada and reclaimed him. A weighing scale was arranged. Krishna was placed on one side and the other side was satyabhama's wealth. The wealth was an extraordinary sight. The enormous mass of her was just not enough. Every might and every ounce of gold, silver and ornaments proved futile in weighing down his beloved. 

Seeing her helplessness, Narada suggested Rukmini’s help. Reluctantly and Krishna being at stake, she called for her. The quiet Rukmini in desperation arrived. Seeing the commotion and her sister being laughed, she felt remorseful and sad. With the help of her devotional duties, she aided with a leaf of tulasi (holy basil) came armed. She placed the tulasi (holy basil) amid the Satyabhama’s wealth. On that instant Krishna was successfully weighed down.

Such was the power of love and devotion that even after removing the wealth, with a mere leaf Krishna still proved light. 

Satyabhama’s recklessness and selfishness and Rukmini’s kindness and dedication gives an extraordinary sight of Krishna’s wives. In such a turmoil, they represent the two sides of a coin, the good and the bad, the light and the dark. They symbolize purity and selfishness. Krishna the nirguna (benefactor), was a perfect husband who accepted them both with open arms. In today’s kalyuga (age of vice) when evil outshines the good, there is still a ray of hope which comes out. Just as when all doors become closed and there is no way out, he the great opens a small window which leads to success. Attitude and destiny act side by side. It is you that creates your destiny. Rukmini’s nature was pure and godly. On the other hand Satyabhama’s attitude signifies her defeat of her alter-ego and selfishness. People in the world are always remembered by your good and bad qualities. It is up to you to be light or dark, sahi (right) or galat (wrong). The destiny may follow in an abomination automatic manner.

I am who I am

I am who I am

I know no caste, no creed, no royalty

I am no hindu, no catholic, no atheist

I am who I am



I am no straight, no LGBT

I am no bully, no weakling

I am no war, no hatred

I am ray of light 

I am knife sliced in warm affection

I am someone never forgotten

I am who I am



I am peace, I am tranquility

I am power, I am smooth sailing

I am zealous, I am hope

Many Faces, One Soul

   It is almost some time, maybe a fortnight that I have initiated a new journey towards life. A next chapter? Maybe, yes. The experience to change is neither mind-boggling nor nostalgic. The atmosphere speaks casualness and competing to be the vagabond Mad Hatter around. Sounds weird? *grunts unhappily*. Perhaps it is. Life becomes monotonous and the more you try to break free from the daily errands routine, the more entangled you become. Life does not come cheap, in fact it plays being a bitch all the time. It does not have a time limit. The day one realizes kindness is the right streamlined pathway to performing karma, life plays such an ugly tops turvy turn that you think otherwise. Is it our fault that we try to do something favourable and good? Why are there only adverse affects for the beast, duckling and the limp? I sprinkle holy water over me like a vampire, disgusted. This diamonds hit me like a whore's seduction.
    Calm, sobriquet and teleports me into an orgasmic state of ghastly trance. I need no weed this time, for it gives me a high appallingly equal enough. There is no friendly soul nearby. Water when hits the bottom sounds like clanking stones on one another. Makes me realize, I am temporary. My thoughts are temporary. This indicates that I get influenced easily by others and the surroundings. More I try to retaliate, the more drawn I get towards it. It is like a benign cancer. Am I contaminated? Perhaps. The respected scholars around the world opinionated to be reclusive, averse and stoic. But can I be an expressionless? Try and try till you succeed. So, yes!
     It has been a riveting and learning experience for me. The more people I observe, the more expressionless I become. It is been like a silence which covers all ailments. A disease. Creeping slowly.
     I mumble. I think again. Is this really of any reference? Yes, it is. There is a destiny associated for every yin and yang. The process to identify and make oneself self-aware is challenging, inspiring and provoking. It is like the visibility of a rainbow. Beautiful in its full display but deteriorating selflessly. The eyes look at me. Dark, intense and yet determined. Hollow but deep. They speak stories. They scream experience over their hardships, defeats and loneliness. They yearn for assistance, love and nirvana. Can humility be an answer to it? It cannot be taught, it has to be realized. An analytically act? 
     Perhaps. 

Siddhesh

twitter.com/siddheshgarg

The Uneven Road to Nothingness

   I am sprinting. The skies are auburn brown and the twilight has seeped in. There is no human or living being present around. The undulating colours of Nature does not appear to be in its full regalia. There is no cliches, just confusion. I look at myself. I am wearing a simple white tee coupled with shorts and fashionable trainers. My hairstyle is Afrikaans and there seems to be no scent coming out of me. The oscillating law of encountering with something familiar is long past gone. The world seems to be hazed and I am just successful in catching glimpses of flickering colours of Nature with an occasional brightened clear image of the picturesque panorama. I can see a poor and neglected waterfall in the distance. They appear like sparkly diamonds. The sheer gelatin is a welcoming sight to the crude illustration I have been having. They pave the way for the smoothness in the air which is subdued with cruelty and perplexing outlandishness. The air is swaying thick wafts of mist every now and then. Environment is no longer green but coarse black and filled with chemicals. The road is however exceptionally developed and lead to nothingness. It is pitch straight and it is enhanced complete with street lights every kilometer. The road looks intimidating for it is long and there seems to be no swaying backwards as the route is equally long. Where am I? I wonder and for a split second get flummoxed. For a second I feel alien. The view around me continue to be blurred and swaying colours in a shimmering process. It disturbs my eye. I wish to halt for a second and experience the confusion but my mind propels me to disembark this exalted environment. There is horror as well as inquisitiveness in reference to the enclaved compass around. There is a scope of mystery and looped beauty hidden behind my exhilaration. 
     I prod further.
     My velocity is neither slow nor fast. It does not encourage any caressing. I look for the destination but alas I am not able to witness one. I feel miserable and out of context for a while but slowly its magnitude deepens and I discover myself being weak. I conclude the omen has slyly pushed me out of shape. With new    self developed encouragement I leap forwards with alarming speed. I am jostled with surprise to my own adrenaline gushing and laugh at myself. The laughter vibrates in resonance around and it echoes in fits of intervals. I gesture at my own scale and determine it to be fairly strong and uplifting. The land on the sides of road which was barren now appears to be sprouting with bouts of life. There in the distance I see a bed made out of rhinestones and crystals. A weird form of human seems to be thrusting to and fro uncomfortably and looks to have four hands and legs. I run a bit faster and on closer inception realize a couple mating. They seem to be in their element without caring for the world. The world looks beautiful now but it does not bother them. They continue their hardcore act without any inclination of change. I try to wave at them but they turn a blind's eye. I continue my journey. On the other side of the road I see a woman staring at me. She looks medieval but is full clothed to the brim. Her appearance screams attention, richness and popularity. She stares at me. It is hard and speaks of an aura of herself. Is it pride or selfishness? I do not know. She holds a mirror and yearns forward for me to have a look at it. She dares not prod in the silver lining of road for she is content in the position she is in. On being close, she places the mirror at my face dimensional length and I have a look at it. There appears an innocent sight of me waving. He is happy and looks dumb. I get teleported to memories immediately and they bring a smile and sadness on my face. They speak the truth and it does not hold any kind of plasticity. I mumble something in despair and the mirror vanishes and so does the petite woman. 
      I prod further.
      With reduced speed, I continue my journey. My destination seems still far away. A group of avant-garde french cyclists brush past me. They are focused and ooze determination and hope. Is this a message from the divine energy? I do not know for I conclude I am fake. They look tired yet active. There is no air of selfishness exhaling out of them. I continue my path.
      There in the distance I see a human. I cannot conclude the gender though it is naked for it has both the bosom of a woman as well as a phallus of a man. It seems to be whispering my name and mumbling words of encouragement. I try to gaze at its face but since the world is blurred, so does it's face. I cannot determine the skin for it changes from fair to tan every split second. The skin is young and old however familiar. It eliminates a sense of positive vibes in spite of its disheveled body and ugliness. My thoughts speak in unison to it's call and it springs to life and tried to fly towards me. My speed almost comes to a disillusioned halt when it  transpires through me and flies to the other side of me. I cannot see it now and I wail in helplessness. My wail is reduced to a hushed tone. I prod further. I am in a dilemma now and my bones begin to betray me. They warn me of divulged break. I hear the restrains and try to fight back. My blood seems to be my only friend. It understands me and flows in a new rejuvenated spirit. The spirit is undying strong and optimist. I am astounded by my own stamina and give out my loudest laughter ever. It echoes far and wide and instantly the couple, cold woman, cyclists and the figured less body all seems to sweep in alarmingly at supersonic agility. I hear the voice within me. I realize the monsters. 
     I prod further. 

Siddhesh

twitter.com/siddheshgarg

Rock the Boat

    Often when is in dilemma, there is always this abstract feeling of being so brazen that it completely enlightens your mind. I encounter myself in such situations all the time. I feel like being a grizzly bear sitting in a kamikaze taxi which screams "care a damn" graffiti on it. I wish to grab a Razz in my hand and then contemplate about virtually nothing. Maybe swear at some of my friends out of the blue without any reason and be impromtu nauseaus and despodent. Its a question ofl living one's life to the T and having a ball. We do not get time for such kind of situations but when the opportunity why not make the most of it.
    I apparently always feel like drinking nowadays. I try to develop this attitude wherein I can be myself, but I seem to fail miserably. Maybe it is a phase. I am not sad. I am not happy. I am just me. Its been such a while that I had weed that I feel completely dillusional and bored. Its the effect of being high. Maybe a sideaffect. Who knows? Who cares?
    I was in my element when I was drinking this weekend. The best part of drinking, there is only one thing that matters - your drink. Its is relaxing as well as rejenuvating as it gives me ample time to think and be myself. I can drink as much as I want. Though I feel the dizziness later but everything comes with a price, eh! The mind becomes so free and there is only one thing in my mind at that particular point of time and that is, hey what is in round two? Over the years I have realized that I can be unbashedly uncivilized to sickeningly sophisticated. Its a gift, I guess. There were days where I had to be very carefree and I must say I could do it with panache. The result of such wrong doings is that you realize that with people you have to act differently. An alter ego perhaps? I have many ;)
    From wearing my sunday best clothes to wearing untucked shirts on shorts I have been on both the ends. I would intially make my ends meet by talking into things what I wanted the conversations to dominate into. But I like it that way. I do mistakes and then I learn from them. I have been put up in so many embarassing moments that I have virtually lost count of them. I still feel awkward whenever I think of it but then I have a good laugh of it later. I feel like being alive again. These moments make me learn to be more careful and this is what I am not content with. Being sloshed makes me lossen the grip and be nonchalant again. Is there any circumstance that I think of anyone else?
    Nah! I do not feel the need to and I am very ecstatic about it. The best part is that I am so engrossed into myself that I do not feel about anyone else. It gives me a golden ticket to be positive and far away from all the negaitvities. It is wise to think of oneself and even wiser when one does not give a damn about others. I am narcissist in that and I do not borne any qualms in it. I have taken years to come up with this attitide and do not wish to forgo at the mere flick of a button. I am trying to hold up my horses and taking the pains to understand the value of myself. I do not understand my own mind and I get confused as to when I do something different whenever I am faced with any perplexing situations. In spite of being so prepared to portray myself in a certian way, I often tend to follow the other route. I do repent it as soon as I perform those stupid actions but then it is too late. So it just proves that I am more human. I not perfect but hey whats wrong in trying to be one. It is possible for me to be social but it is my call that I do not wish to. It is then I feel sorry for myself. I try to follow the impulse and then sometimes it works and almost everytime it makes me in the losing end. It is high time that I start living my life to the fullest. I do not have any apphrehensions but it is just that I have enough on my plate almost everytime. I think the power of saying "No" makes one feel very superior and tempting to the opposite person.  Just follow the regular nature you are having and things will fall into place eventually.
    That is the golden rule one should keep in mind.

Siddhesh 

twitter.com/siddheshgarg