Often when is in dilemma, there is always this abstract feeling of being so brazen that it completely enlightens your mind. I encounter myself in such situations all the time. I feel like being a grizzly bear sitting in a kamikaze taxi which screams "care a damn" graffiti on it. I wish to grab a Razz in my hand and then contemplate about virtually nothing. Maybe swear at some of my friends out of the blue without any reason and be impromtu nauseaus and despodent. Its a question ofl living one's life to the T and having a ball. We do not get time for such kind of situations but when the opportunity why not make the most of it.
I apparently always feel like drinking nowadays. I try to develop this attitude wherein I can be myself, but I seem to fail miserably. Maybe it is a phase. I am not sad. I am not happy. I am just me. Its been such a while that I had weed that I feel completely dillusional and bored. Its the effect of being high. Maybe a sideaffect. Who knows? Who cares?
I was in my element when I was drinking this weekend. The best part of drinking, there is only one thing that matters - your drink. Its is relaxing as well as rejenuvating as it gives me ample time to think and be myself. I can drink as much as I want. Though I feel the dizziness later but everything comes with a price, eh! The mind becomes so free and there is only one thing in my mind at that particular point of time and that is, hey what is in round two? Over the years I have realized that I can be unbashedly uncivilized to sickeningly sophisticated. Its a gift, I guess. There were days where I had to be very carefree and I must say I could do it with panache. The result of such wrong doings is that you realize that with people you have to act differently. An alter ego perhaps? I have many ;)
From wearing my sunday best clothes to wearing untucked shirts on shorts I have been on both the ends. I would intially make my ends meet by talking into things what I wanted the conversations to dominate into. But I like it that way. I do mistakes and then I learn from them. I have been put up in so many embarassing moments that I have virtually lost count of them. I still feel awkward whenever I think of it but then I have a good laugh of it later. I feel like being alive again. These moments make me learn to be more careful and this is what I am not content with. Being sloshed makes me lossen the grip and be nonchalant again. Is there any circumstance that I think of anyone else?
Nah! I do not feel the need to and I am very ecstatic about it. The best part is that I am so engrossed into myself that I do not feel about anyone else. It gives me a golden ticket to be positive and far away from all the negaitvities. It is wise to think of oneself and even wiser when one does not give a damn about others. I am narcissist in that and I do not borne any qualms in it. I have taken years to come up with this attitide and do not wish to forgo at the mere flick of a button. I am trying to hold up my horses and taking the pains to understand the value of myself. I do not understand my own mind and I get confused as to when I do something different whenever I am faced with any perplexing situations. In spite of being so prepared to portray myself in a certian way, I often tend to follow the other route. I do repent it as soon as I perform those stupid actions but then it is too late. So it just proves that I am more human. I not perfect but hey whats wrong in trying to be one. It is possible for me to be social but it is my call that I do not wish to. It is then I feel sorry for myself. I try to follow the impulse and then sometimes it works and almost everytime it makes me in the losing end. It is high time that I start living my life to the fullest. I do not have any apphrehensions but it is just that I have enough on my plate almost everytime. I think the power of saying "No" makes one feel very superior and tempting to the opposite person. Just follow the regular nature you are having and things will fall into place eventually.
That is the golden rule one should keep in mind.
Siddhesh
twitter.com/siddheshgarg
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