The Borne Boredom

    Its been quite a while since I have started blogging and I am only too happy to be writing again. I guess I was facing a writer's block but I think I am over it now. I have been on the mend over the past couple of days, thinking and sulking all the way. I was pushed into an oblivion, maybe the sad leprechaun had cast a spell on me. Anyways I have been thinking a lot lately of life and exactly what purpose I have on this planet Earth. Maybe I was unsuccessful in procuring some relevant answers but the road to search for my identity as been fairly a roller coaster ride. I like reminders that constantly keep me grounded, as often I am on the verge of having an attitude too sophisticated and overly narcissist. I just cannot help it but I am not complaining either. I was so lonely keeping always to myself. Initially as far as I can remember I craved for attention and I was not that bad in getting one. But as years passed, it became very difficult and I started being gloomy. It wasn't a pleasant sight but I was learning. Childhood was very torturous to me and I do not miss the most part of it. I had come across a variety of people from all walks of life and I always got fascinated by them. Their mannerisms and intellectual minds made me remind that I have to be like them. I tried to take a leaf out from them and would try to emulate them. Maybe being a mirror for I would imitate them and funnily enough I wasn't that bad in it.
    My initial attitude was not that appropriate and I personally I expected people to understand me. But that wasn't forthcoming and somewhere down the line I knew that I was at the dark side of the tunnel. I did try to change but since my ego was at sky high rise at that time it was not helping. There were days where I felt horribly alone and I did not like one bit of it. Over the years one thing has taught me that I should trust myself though I admit it does not come naturally to me. Maybe it is something that is a drawback in me but I feel if I start trusting myself I become over-confident on myself and then it produces a lot of negative results on me. I have grown over that aspect and now at this point of time I just feel fortunate that I have learnt so many things at this age. I was in the process where I wanted to be mature but now I don't feel like that anymore. I have tried all the wacky stuff in life and I have seen it all. It has been a journey which was very illuminating and astounding at times. I faced a lot of flak and now it does not deter me for anything else. At times yes, I do feel that perhaps I could have been more friendly but then I feel if people do not like me the way I am then what is the whole point in trying to be more social. I am immune to being dissed but there are things that pierces me and the stab is like a knife slicing through the warm butter. The pain seems hard and very meticulous. Is this what I am made of. I keep getting labelled. But I never liked definitions and I am not used to it. I feel that life is short and you should make the most of it. It has been so many years that I keep informing myself this, but I fail to understand this concept.
    I am a different material altogether. I sprint nowadays in a snail's pace and I do not mind in doing this. If people are not able to identify me then I consider myself lucky, It is always good to be mysterious. I like being that way as people become inquisitive in trying to find out about you. I like to be a pandora's box which is completely unpredictable. The more mysterious one gets, the more people have dubious doubts about you. Is this healthy? Yes. There is nothing wrong in it. Maybe it is a part of being the attention seeker. But I can't help it. I really try to tone down myself but there is this part of me that awakens and whispers that perhaps it is time to out-shine others. The fire burns slowly and sometimes it becomes high in magnitude. It speaks volumes of my character, I guess. I do try to be kind to people and I really am. But then I am a boring person. This is not what I think but that is what people determine me. I am a gypsy and I like to meet with people. I like being friendly but there is this feisty nature in me that always continues. Should I regret and fret about this? Reminds of the classic, "Non, Je ne regrette rein" by the ethereal Edith Piaf.